Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Dear Hot Mess Mom

Dear Hot Mess Mom,

It's fucking hard. This mom/wife/entrepreneur/chef/housekeeper/taxi driver/accountant/teacher gig is no joke. I know it, because I'm in trenches right next to you, I've got some intensive boot camp style mom experience I think you should hear. I can't see to the other side of this season we're in yet, but I know others that have survived it, so I think we can too.

We'll get to those days of kids tending to their own needs when they wake up, instead of shooting demands at us before our feet hit the floor and coffee has been consumed.

And I'm sure someone shit their underwear today, it's inevitable. I was given some good advice and was told to put it in perspective. Dealing with shitty underwear is a lot less stressful than having a teenager with habitual car accidents. So just throw the underwear out, it's cheaper than a car.

Also, you need to take a shower. You probably smell, and I'm not trying to be offensive, it's just true. Rinse off that snot smear you've had on your arm since 9am, but that you forgot about. I don't think booger covered sleeves were trending at Fashion Week, not that we actually know what's "in."

Speaking of fashion, buy some clothes that fit your body now. not what it will be after you "snap back" in 5 years. Don't sausage your way into that shirt or those jeans, you'll beat yourself up if you do. The busted can of biscuits look isn't really that cute either. If all else fails, elastic everything.

Make some lists. All the spawn you've produced has your brain functioning like it's a drunk college girl with no underwear on and her friends left her, that shit is messy. You'll go places (like Target, the land of Starbucks and everything you don't need) and absolutely forget everything that you went for (but will probably still spend a Benjamin). I won't even get started on forgetting what you were saying mid-sentence.

You know that person that casually said, "Let's get together sometime," or "We should do something so that the kids can play." Track them down and get sociable. Nothing makes you more crazy than having your entire day's conversation be about whether someone has to go potty, the number of days till Christmas or which dinosaur would win in a fight (by the way, it's the T-Rex, it's always the T-Rex).

Celebrate happy hour! I in no way mean for you to become an alcoholic, but when 5pm rolls around and everyone is losing their shit while you're trying to cook dinner....have an adult beverage. Something about just sippin' something helps to drown out the whining.

Naps are your friend, regardless of age. Take one, or at least lay down for a bit and recharge. Don't tell me about how your kids don't nap anymore and you can't take one. Bullllllllllshit! Give them something to keep them busy while you get a 10 minute power nap.

Ask for help. Don't be too proud not to.

Some days, you also have to just fake it till ya make it!

That's all I got for ya. I'm told when our kids are all grown up that we'll miss this, I'm not entirely sure that's accurate. I don't like the "is it chocolate or poop" guessing game, so I don't foresee me longing for that again.

Fellow Hot Mess

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