Sunday, January 29, 2017

The Cure for Teen Pregnancy is Three Feet Tall

In high school, I took a class where I had to carry around a robot baby for a week. It cried for the various needs it had and I had to take care of it by putting a key in it's back. Do you know what doesn't have a key in their back? A three year old!

I think that teenagers should have to take care of a three year old for a few days! I'm sure the little one's parents are more than willing to take a break from their demanding child, and really, it's helping America!

Three is a hard age. I want to pull my hair out at least every other minute of the day, and that only increases when we go out in public. Anyone who says that the twos are terrible, hasn't hit the threes yet!

There are a few things that all teens would face during their "Threenager Time," none of which a key to their back will fix. {If someone would like to invent that though, I'll be the first customer!}

They don't give a fuck about anyone or anything. Yes, they sometimes are very sweet and lovable, but they will also slice your throat, with their pretend kitchen knife, if you even think of cutting their food up. They also won't hesitate to flush random objects in the toilet to see what dad's reaction is to the flood.

Newborns sleep better than three year olds. Newborns are hard, really freaking hard, we can all agree on that. We can also agree that feeding the baby, changing it's diaper or just holding the little bundle solves most of their middle of the night screaming. Threenagers talk, about their blankets falling off their bed, how they peed or why the sun isn't up yet. There aren't very many quick fixes for this, and it definitely results in crappy sleep for all parties involved!

Public places are their stage. Taking an unruly three year old in public is sure to result in some sort of fit. If there is an audience, there will surely be show. My personal favorites are the spaghetti limbs in the middle of a parking lot resulting in carrying a screaming limp child over my shoulder or a continuous scream/cry combo that vibrates the ceiling tiles of Target and that doesn't stop until we leave and no one is watching.

Now you may ask yourself, "How can this stop teens for having babies?"

Teenagers care about three things; their things, their sleep, and how they look in public. A threenager can squash all of those!

So I currently have one available for loan to any parent who wants to teach their teenagers what doing the humpty hump actually results in!

Disclaimer: I love my children, I'd just like them not be assholes all the time. It's just a stage, yes. But if I said I hadn't Googled "threenager boarding schools," I'd be lying.

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