Monday, April 18, 2016

Please Shit Your Pants Again: The Potty Training Journey

I've literally been potty training for a year straight and I hate it! Not the, "oh it's not that bad" type of hate, but more like the "please set me on fire and roll me into a brick wall before I potty train another day," type of hate!

Kayden is like a drug addict that gets clean and relapses fourteen times in a a year. We go WEEKS accident free and then suddenly forget how to use the toilet. One day last week he shit his pants four times.....

Layne is an emotional pee-er, oh you don't know what that is? You know how some people pee their pants when they are drunk, well Layne pees his pants when he's angry/mad/frustrated/annoyed/sad.........

I've Googled potty training tips and techniques, and all that I get are these books that I'm suppose to read. Please tell me how I'm suppose to find the time to read a damn book when I'm cleaning piss from behind my couch or poop that someone magically shot through the rails of the stairs onto the floor below. Cliff notes people!!!"

We went naked, we did pull-ups, we did just underwear, we set timers, we went back to diapers, we did potty dances and songs, we did treats......and guess what?! They still shit their pants!

I've even tried public shaming, yeah because I'm a great mom like that! I've threatened to tell Kayden's friends at school that he poops his pants, but would it really do anyting? No, because he shits his pants there at least once a week anyways!

This morning Layne asked me to snuggle him. He crawled up on my lap, straddled my waist, and then I felt something wet. I said, "Ummm Layne," he quickly cut me off and said, "Yes mommy, I did pee my pants." You're fucking joking me, right?!

At this point I've convinced myself of two things. One, there should be a place I can ship my children to where they actually read those potty training books and use them to train my children for a week. You don't even want to know how much I would pay for that! And two, children should be in diapers until age 10? Is that taking it too far??? No, I remember peeing my pants when I was 9, because I didn't want to stop shopping to go to the bathroom.....

Cutting this a little short, someone just peed on the floor......I should buy stock in paper towels, floor cleaner and Xanax......

While I wrote, they colored! On the paper for 30 seconds before they turned themselves into animals from the zoo!

Do you have tips for potty training?!?! I'm all ears!!!

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1 comment:

  1. so this post just took my love for you to a whole other level. Also, you might have made me pee my pants a little... thanks for that. Actually, I blame the children for my lack of bladder control. Jerks.