Monday, February 29, 2016

I've Got Boobs In My Mouth

The are tied together.....Layne is the trailer....Not my idea at all!

Having little boys is a great time! I never know what they are going to do or say next, but the last week or so has been a complete exception to any rule that is out there.

I've got some high energy, ornery and lovable guys on my hands! My middles, Layne (2) and Kayden (3), are just 15 months apart, and they are the best of friends! They also wouldn't hesitate to push the other one down the stairs given the opportunity!

So here it is, the shit that they have done in the last week that makes me question everything in this world!

"Mom! Look, I've got boobs in my mouth!"- Kayden
He had a meatball in each cheek and was rubbing them with his hands! Oh boy!

"I peed on the baby...." -Layne
Because?!?! Oh that's right, he had no reason to, he just did it!

"MOOMMMMMMYYYYYY Layne pinched my penis!!!" -Kayden
No explanation really is needed........

"He pooped? Let me watch!"- Layne
Gross! But he insists watching Jayce and Dayton's poopy diaper's disgusting, and apparently requires and audience!

"Oh mom! She's pretty! She had pretty hair and painted lips!" - Kayden
He's referencing a balloon at the grocery store, not a real person. He's also obsessed with women that wear lipstick, I'm in trouble as he gets older!

"I want some to eat....." -Layne
While I was nursing the baby....Layne stopped nursing at 3 weeks old....get away dude!

"Hook your button and put them away." - Kayden
I was feeding the baby and apparently taking too long....

"We don't squeeze kitties." - Layne
When talking about going to grandma's house, apparently he's squeezed a kitty or two!

"God damnit mom, turn around and go to the kitchen!" - Kayden
No this behavior is not condoned, but I couldn't help but laugh! The language is grandpa's fault and he wanted me to leave because he was being naughty and didn't want to get in trouble!

Kayden goes and pulls his underwear down to go potty and a Mr. Potato Head hat falls out of his underwear.....
It was a nutcup. Also, now that the boys are in underwear, if they don't want the other one to get something, it goes in their "pocket".......

Now these are just a few of the moments that The Middles have given me, with plenty of more down the road I'm sure! What type of crazy things have your kids said lately???

Be sure to check out my Instagram tomorrow night at 8pm for special opprotunity! 

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Monday, February 22, 2016

This Is Our Season

Layne: completely indepedent to say the least!
A crazy thing happens when kids are born. People come into your life and people disappear from your life. Friends, family, acquitances; it all changes.

Everyone experiences different seasons in their lives. College life, dating, married, kids, adult kids, is constantly changing and evolving. You move from one season to the next, some more gracefully than others.

This is our season currently. A season of little kids, sticky walls, toy explosions, nap times, messy faces, early bedtimes, followed by even earlier mornings. Some people fit into this season and some people don't.

So no....

We won't be coming over to your house at 1pm, it's nap time and they turn into devils without it.

We won't be attending the event that starts an hour before bedtime and has breakable items everywhere.

We won't apologize for our kids being loud. They are little, that's what they do.

We won't be going out until the wee hours. Lack of sleep turns happy parents into crabby ones.

We won't beg you to be involved in our lives. It's hectic and some people can't hang.

We won't allow you to take our kids places unless we fully trust you. I'm crazy, that's all.

We won't have a clean house at all times. We live here, and it looks that way.

But we will...

Eventually text or call you back, it may take a day or a week.....or a month!

Appreciate every time you offer for us to do something, even if we can't, makes us not feel forgotten!

Love for you to come over whenever! It's hard for us to get out, but guests are always welcomed!

Make every effort to be as involved in other's lives as possible, but our kids are our first priority.

Just like the seasons change, this too shall pass. A time will come when more things are possible for us, and new things are not. The people that can weather through the different seasons of life are meant to be there and those that can't, well maybe we'll catch up with them down the road!

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Monday, February 15, 2016

Black: The Color of My People

No. This has nothing to do with race, if it did I would say I'm transparent...which isn't even a color.

I'm talking about moms and their clothing selections.50 shades of black is the color of choice.....I mean are there really any other options. To new moms and those of you that aren't moms, you may wonder why moms tend to dress like they are straight out of Hot Topic...minus the spikes, let me enlighten you!

Hides Da Fat
Whether it is the post-partum body that a mom is trying to conceal or the nap time oreos that might have gotten eaten, black is the way to go! Is that a shadow? Is that a shirt? Or roll? No one knows....

It All Rubs In
Dirt, peanut butter, milk, all rubs in with minimal "stains"! God bless the mom that dares to wear white, at any time of day! One day moms can wear light colors again without constant day......

Matching for Dummies
What shoes go with black leggings and black shirt? Oh, black boots!  Black yoga pants and a black tank? Black zippy of course! When getting dressed is literally a last priority, making it easy is the best thing that can be done!

Lasts Longer
Some times getting the luxury of fresh duds every day or washing them daily is extrememly far fetched. If the drab color allows multiple days of use, boom! Black is best!

So next time you a see a mom and you wonder, "Hmmm I wonder if she's despressed? Or gothic? Or homeless?" The answer is, no. She's just a mom, being as efficient as possible!

The only downside of all of this, cleaning the house. Bleach is a bitch!

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Sunday, February 7, 2016

The 5 Types of Women at a "Toy" Party

Mama Bear got out the other night and I ventured out to a "toy" party for ladies! Nothing like some vibrators, lube and wine! I only knew the host and consultant (of course I would know the consultant!), anyways, this allowed for me to survey the group. I categorized the ladies into 5 groups.

The Consultant
This lady has got her shit together! Anyone that can talk about pea size amounts of things you insert knuckle deep, followed by butt plugs....they're a badass! I like to think that the consultant has the most epic sex life ever, whether with someone, or on their own! After all, I'm sure there is some sort of discount they receive on all the buzzing items!

The Virgin
Whether these girls are actual virgins or not, they sort of act like it. With every mention of clitoris, they get this look on their face like, "Do I have one of those?!" Or when the the vibrator gets passed around the circle, they hold it like fire will strike down on them from the heavens if they act intrigued by it!

The Mother
It never fails, the host's mother is always there. It makes for awkward moments where the mother is embarassed by something the daughter says or talks about what she's done in the bedroom or vise versa. I cringe at the thought of anything that my mother might do behind closed doors, and because of that, I'm certain I'm a product of immaculate conception!

The Experimenter
Every time a new product is mentioned, this girl wants to know size/shape/uses/battery requirements/etc. I'm sure that this girl spends the most at these parties, because she's just got to try it all! She wants her nips tingling, her lady parts burning, and her man's banana to taste like cake! I like to say in my early twenties I was this gal, with age....I'm less cool now!

The Pro
She's got an item from each page....or 6. She'll give her first hand experience to the group and convince them of everything that they need, obviously this gal is The Consultant's bestie! I'm sure this lady is a total freak in the sack! Anyone who owns the tie down handcuffs, several c-rings, and a vibrator from each page....she's got her sex life in check! I aspire to be this lady again!

So the next time you get an invite to one of these parties, don't decline, go! If not for the booze and products, go for the people watching! See what type of ladies you surround yourself with! Which type are you!?

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Friday, February 5, 2016

Nap Times and Potty Breaks: Maintaining the Balance

I've recently updated my "presence" in the social media and blogging world, for no other reason than the fact it gives me an outlet that is very much needed! I get to have fun, meet people, and express the crazy that is my life. It's like opening up a window and letting people walk-by and look in, but with all of this I've been working on maintaining the balance.

Balancing family life with my passion for writing on my blog and the recent love affair I started with Instagram, oh and let's not forget that little side piece of mine called Pinterst, it's an actual struggle. I find on days that I have posted on my blog, I'm much more tuned into that side of my life. I try to respond to comments and share it with various groups of people, my husband would call me obsessed. But in reality, it's all about nap time and potty breaks!

Nap time is my time to write, decompress and have some "me time" with my thoughts. Often I find myself mentally writing posts for days, and when I find a moment to put it down it then goes rather quickly! I'm not quite sure what I will do when my kids stop napping, I might lock myself in the closet with my laptop, some coffee and possibly a brownie or two so that I can still get some writing in!

But then there is the aftermath of it all! 99% of  my comments, likes, shares.....actually anything on social media come from the toilet...literally! Mommy needs to pee and catch up on things, and with as much water as I drink, some days it's pretty often!

There are times though when I check out completely; morning snuggles, meal times, and bed times. I put my stuff to the side and focus on my kids. We have real conversations, we tickle, we laugh, we spend quality time together and I think that is the most important thing of all! If it wasn't for these little monsters, I would have no material to write on and this chaos of mine wouldn't exsist!

So to anyone who thinks my "presence" on my blog and social media is a bit too much, remember while you are reading this on the toilet, it's all about balancing it out between nap times and potty breaks!

Please check out below how some other ladies help maintain the balance in their lives and look for a new post on Monday, "Why Moms Need Social Media" and then later in the week, "5 Reasons Moms Wear Black"!

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