Friday, January 16, 2015

Let Me Lick Your Face

Let's face it, moms are gross. There is a small percentage of moms that are complete germ freaks, but as a majority, we are all pretty nasty. I include myself in this.....and I'm sure my husband won't look at me the same after reading this.

Sometimes convenience and ease outweighs the chance of my child contracting Ebola or some other disease from who knows what. I realized this all at the zoo today with the 2 youngest. So I've put a short list together, and I will confess, I'm guilty of all of them......and I'm sure you are too!

1. I'll just pee with him on my back.

Yup! It happened today. We left the aquarium, Layne was in the Tula on my back, and my pregnant bladder couldn't take much more of a wait. The thought of unhooking him, having my friend watch him only to then load him back up on me sounded like more work than it was worth. So we trucked into the restroom and I relieved myself  while Layne looked around like, "What the fuck is happening right now?!" The stare I got from a woman waiting when I opened the stall door with Layne smiling on my back was priceless!

We then proceeded to take a selfie to mark the hilarious moment! This didn't help with the stares!

2. Come here, let me lick your face!

Ok, well not literally! BUT there have many many occasions when we are somewhere nice and baby wipes or a wet rag are nowhere to be found. A mom's last resort is to do the ol' lick the thumb and clean the dirt of the face. It really sounds more disgusting than it actually is. And I always think that this is only acceptable because they are little and know no better, I won't be able to do this when they are 15. I think that gets you put on a list somewhere.

3. You just have something in your nose, let me get it.

Until kids understand the concept of blowing their nose, and even sometimes after that, they need help with whatever bats are in the bat cave. And I'm a mom who CAN NOT stand when my kids have something in their nose. The Kleenex doesn't always get it either. Ok, I'll just come out and say it, I pick my kids' noses. It's repulsive, yes, but it's a necessity. The nasal aspirators just don't do the job after a certain point! I refuse for my kid to be the one kid in the play group with a nose full of nasties for everyone to see!

4. Have anymore teeth? Let me stick my finger in your mouth. 

Honestly, when was the last time you stuck your finger in a grown adults mouth to check their teeth situation? Unless you are in the dental profession, this ranks under nasty mom things. I can guarantee that a slim number of you are putting gloves on before you reach in.  It's always a spur of the moment thing for me. "Oh you are drooling, let me see if you have any more teeth (as I insert my bare finger into their mouth and rub their gums)"

5. Oh, he just peed on me. I'll change in a minute.

Unless you belong to some golden shower fetish club, getting peed on should gross a person out. For some reason if it comes from a baby/toddler, we consider it cute or okay. I've literally been peed on, forgot about it, went on with my day only to realize when I took my shirt off that night that the pee stain was VERY prominent on the front. Ehhh, whatever, I don't think I saw anyone too important that day anyways!

For anyone that read this that currently has no children, you probably think this is absolutely absurd. And for anyone expecting a baby, rest assured, as much as you will fight the urge to not become one of the "gross" moms, it will happen. It happens to all of us at some point!

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