Sunday, January 11, 2015

Birth Wars.....Annoying As Hell

Oh you had an epidural? A natural birth? A hospital birth? A water birth? A home birth? A cesarean? Fan fuckingtastic.......and equally annoying! 

Here is a bit of background on my birthing experience. Leading up to Layne being born my "plan" (the word plan makes me laugh, because kids once again don't give a shit what your plan is!), anyways my plan was to have an all-natural birth at the hospital and to go into labor on my own. No drugs, because I didn't want my baby all drugged up once he was born. Ha!

The real story is this. At 38 weeks, after a growth scan, I got told if he hadn't gotten bigger by 39 weeks, plan on not leaving the hospital, because I'll be induced. He was measuring in the 3rd percentile and hadn't grown since 37 weeks. Well 39 weeks came, and I got sent to Labor & Delivery to be induced. Apparently my pain tolerance was high, because after 1 bag of Pitocin, getting my water broken, another bag of Pictocin and oh 26 hours, I finally asked for some drugs. I was exhausted and stuck at 6 cm for 8 hours with no end in sight. Finally after 32 total hours, I had a c-section. Layne was born, and came out screaming....far from the tired drugged up baby I had always been told I would have. But most importantly, he was healthy, little, but healthy!

Yes, I just shared my birth story with you. No, I'm not putting myself on an pedestal or putting down how your bundle came into the world. If you've had a baby, you have a birth story. It's been that way for......EVER! 

Now yes, some people have badass stories that I think should be shared. For example, my friend who had contractions for an hour, only to accidentally deliver her 9 lb. 6 oz. baby on the living room floor. Shit happens, and hearing those stories are awesome. But when people share their "typical" births and want to tell you how awesome they are because of XYZ.......come on! Get over yourself! You gave birth probably in a similar way to MILLIONS of other women. Unless I asked you how your child came into this world, I don't care. Please don't just offer up the information to try to make the way that I gave birth sound terrible. 

I sound like a bitch. Oh well. The war of how babies are born drive me nuts! I think that a baby just being born healthy and safe is a win! Why do women feel the need to throw their method in anyone's some people tend to do!? I will say that I've been asked about birth from expecting moms, just because they are curious of what to expect. And I can give MY story, but the information I give isn't to make me feel more superior to anyone else, it's to give a heads up and a hey shit didn't go according to the plan, but Layne was completely fine. So if things get changed last minute, everything can still be ok. 

With this baby, my current "plan" is to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean for those of you that have no idea what that means). Is that going to work out? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I will end up scheduling a c-section at the last minute. WHY. DOES. IT. MATTER?! I want a healthy baby, that's all! Stop judging.

Let me end this on a bit of a lighter note. I've come up with some responses to the judgy remarks people make from time to time. *reading note, I imagine the question being asked with an eye roll!

Oh, you are getting induced? Have you tried having sex?
I did try sex one time, and got put in my current situation. And I don't have Google like the rest of the world, so I wasn't aware that sex was a way to help induce labor. I'm sure my man is completely stoked to get busy with my lady parts. If he's lucky my water might break during it!

An epidural, really? You should have just breathed through the contractions.
Your right, I should have breathed. But the idea of sticking a needle a mile long into my spine sounded so pleasant and I could only hope that they let me keep it so I could stab you in the eye. 

You had a c-section? I wish you could experience how amazing birth is.
Yeah the idea of ripping to my asshole sounded awesome, but exhaustion/baby distress sort of outweighed my dream of shooting a pop can from vagina later in life. 

Those were actual remarks that were said to me. My responses were what was going through my head, but I was on too much of a postpartum hormone roller coaster to even form a sentence. The following are what I would like to think would be "good" responses to questions that I never received, but I'm sure other moms have.

You didn't have any pain meds? Bet that hurt. 
No it didn't hurt at all. The act of pushing a bowling ball through through a small space is the most comfortable thing I've ever done. 

Water birth? Won't the baby drown? (for the record I considered this, but my hospital didn't allow it)
Wow, you are educated. My uterus that the baby was growing in had scuba gear built in, no worries!

Home birth? You must be a hippy.
Yes, I plan to smoke weed during my labor while rolling around in my hemp sheets in my VW bug, then if I'm lucky I will go outside and squat behind a tree so that the baby and I can be one with nature. 

I'm done, I'm done. I enjoy creating sarcastic conversations way too much! What sort of birth questions were you asked? Any clever responses? I'd love to hear them! Spread the word of birth acceptance, because after all........people have been giving birth for awhile, and there isn't one right way!

Layne taking his first breath! 

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