Monday, October 27, 2014

You Have One Kid.....That's Cute

DISCLAIMER: I have a lot of friends that only have one child and I love them and their offspring unconditionally. I also have not witnessed from them what I am about to describe.

Here's a bit of background on what led up to our day today. All three boys went to my mom's house Thursday night and stayed through Sunday afternoon as a birthday present to me. It was wonderful. Jason and I went out a lot and were barely home. Add all factors together, come Monday morning we had no groceries and were in the beginning stages of the grandparent deprogramming. Oh and the kids didn't get to bed till after 9pm on Sunday due to our drive......they are normally asleep by 7:30pm.

So after we sent the oldest off to school, the 2 little ones and I head into town. We went to the chiropractor, Sam's Club and finally.......Hy-Vee. The kids were nearly perfect at our first two stops, but that third one gets me every time!

I gave both kids a snack before we went inside and checked diapers. I was doing all of my "preventative tantrum" steps. We were doing well.............. until we hit aisle 1. While stocking up on the necessary canned goods and listening to the screaming of one boy trying to choke out the other, I noticed up ahead was a very pregnant woman and her toddler. She gave me a very judgy glance over her shoulder as I was yelling, "Sit down and stop trying to kill each other!" In the words of Taylor Swift, I just had to "Shake It Off!"

We conveniently ran into the same woman in the cereal aisle. I painted on a smile, while inside I was throat punching her for the constant, "control your children" glares she was giving me. This continued ALL THE WAY TO THE CHECK OUT! We literally were confronted in every aisle, even after I purposely skipped a couple and back tracked a bit. Her look of disgust was intensified with each encounter. Honestly though, I was happy that my kids were still alive and that one hadn't been thrown from the cart yet.

So to the woman with the one child in her cart, you have 2 options that are considered acceptable if we ever are so lucky to meet again. You can either A. Keep your eyes to the ground or B. Laugh. Yes, laugh, and say, "I'm scared shitless for when this second one gets here." Because lady, you should be scared. One is a piece of cake, well I can only imagine it is, because I never got the pleasure of only have one child in the beginning. Add in more than one, and your world is going to be flipped upside down!

And for mother's of one, enjoy the hell out of it, but please be considerate of large families in the following situations:

-Target. Do NOT take the cart that holds 3 children for your ONE child. Target only keeps 2 of those carts on hand and it's like winning the lottery when I can score one of those. I don't care if your kid thinks it is fun to ride in it. I'm half tempted to go psycho on the next mom I see take that cart when she sees me walking in with my herd.

-Doors. Hold the fucking door open for me please! A double stroller is difficult enough to maneuver, so have some common courtesy please.

-Expanding Family. I dare you to make some sort of comment about my uterus, sanity, my husband's penis or our knowledge of the birds and bees. It is none of your business whether we decide to be done with 3 kids or have more. So......keep your damn mouth shut.

Ahhhhh that felt good. I've been wanting to write this for awhile, and today's events helped to add fuel to my fire!

Layne out at the ranch this past weekend!

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