Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Stop Tickling Your Penis

Most parents probably love bath time with their kids. I dread it! In order to save time and water, we've started bathing all 3 boys together. It makes for a squished tub, but also reduces my headache to 20 minutes, instead of an hour.

I have them sit in descending order;large, medium, and small. This helps prevent the large one from attacking the small one.... and Mr. Medium just keeps the tub entertained. 

Now I don't have a penis, but everyone in my house does. I never knew until this was my situation how entertained the male specie is by their hang down. The moment their feet touch the water it becomes synchronized peeing into the water. All they need are swim caps, and they could be in the next Olympics! It completely grosses me out, but they think it's hilarious.

But I wish it was just peeing in the tub that got me.  No joke, while I'm bathing them, small and large are just going to town on "tickling" their penis. SO FUCKING AWKWARD! I cover my eyes, make absurd sounds of disgust and say, "Please don't do that in front of mom!" ........doesn't seem to phase them.... AT ALL!

Layne enjoying his bath! (and that's a blue boat....not something growing from his arm)
Now take note, in the beginning, they all peed in the water. Well once the penis tickling is done, the large one decides it's time to suck in the bath water, spit it out and laugh hysterically. Over, and over, and over again....... Monkey see, monkey do kicks in and our small guys tries it as well, but instead of the spitting out part, he just tries to drown himself! Oy vey! 

You are probably thinking, "Oh medium size man is just playing and being awesome during bath time!" Wrong....completely WRONG! Our medium guy isn't interested in tickling anything, instead he would rather throw water at me, throw water at his brothers and body slam both brothers. If I'm able to intercept ALL of that, then he moves to his last resort... lay out in the tub like a limp noodle and take every inch of space that his brothers had. Have you ever tried to pick up a bath soaked child who is acting all "Weekend at Bernies?" Well it's really fucking hard! 

In the midst of all the chaos I still manage to clean 3 heads of hair, 6 arms, 6 legs, 3 man parts, 30 toes, and 30 fingers! 

By the grace of God nobody dies during bath time, but I'm lucky to get out alive! I'm considering just hosing them down in the backyard from now on, but with winter approaching....... that might be frowned on!



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