Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day- A Testimony

"Miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a pregnancy before the 20th week. About 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage." Mayo Clinic,

Nobody talks about. It is that awkward conversation that no one ever wants to have with someone else. Until it is you that is going through it, and no one is talking to you about it, because it is a "touchy" subject.

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and here is my testimony. 

On March 12, 2014 I got a positive pregnancy test. Yes, Layne was only 3 1/2 months old. No, this wasn't an "oops". We knew we wanted more kids, and with the struggle to get pregnant with Layne, we weren't going to prevent anything. I was so excited! I loved being pregnant, and so I called my doctor right away to get an appointment to confirm. 

I was 5 1/2 weeks at my first ultrasound. Jason was there with me and we saw our tiny little circle, the pregnancy sac. It was there. It was real. My approximate due date would be November 18, 2014. I thought, what a great first birthday present for Layne! 

Everything was going smoothly. I was tired, occasionally felt nauseous, but overall was doing well. We told our family about the pregnancy and some of our close friends. The week of my 8 week appointment I was feeling really well, which made me nervous, because I wasn't feeling well at this stage with Layne. But I was always told that every pregnancy is different, so I chalked it up to that.

On April 11, 2014, a Friday, I went to my appointment by myself. A decision that I would later regret. My doctor did an abdominal ultrasound and I immediately felt the words I never wanted to say come out of my mouth, "It's not normal is it." I was looking at the screen to see a banana shaped pregnancy sac, with no heartbeat inside.

My doctor is a great guy, and he didn't say much. Instead he wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound to get a better look. That looked the same. No baby inside and an abnormal sac. I didn't cry. I was in shock. I had had no bleeding or cramping. Isn't that what is suppose to happen when you have a miscarry? What I thought would be a happy appointment, had me devastated instead. 

Jason knew something was wrong as soon as he got my post-appointment phone call. I was sobbing so hard by the time I got to the car, he couldn't understand what I was saying. I told him to stay at work, because I just wanted to be alone.

 "I lost the baby, and I don't want to talk about it." That was the text that I sent out to those friends that I had told. I isolated myself. No one that was close to me knew exactly how I felt, so I didn't want to talk to them about it. And I didn't want to hear what people would tell me like, "Everything happens for a reason," or "God has a plan, and just trust in it," or "The baby probably wasn't normal, so it's better this way." No, that's bullshit. This wasn't suppose to happen, not to me. This only happens to other people, not me.

I decided not to wait the day, week or month it would take for my body to finally realize that the pregnancy wasn't viable and dispose of it on its own. I opted to go in for a D and C on the following Monday. 

All weekend I felt like I was carrying a dead baby around inside me. It was terrible. I cried so much and squeezed my boys tighter with every hug. 

After the procedure on Monday I felt better. I had a sense of closure. And since I was "so strong" about the situation, very few people brought up our loss after that. 

When I did tell people about what happened, people that didn't know I had been pregnant, I got responses of people telling me that their spouse had had one, or their friend. Some of these people I knew fairly well, but never knew that they had loss a pregnancy. 

Why don't people talk about? When people talk about, it gives those of us that have gone through it or are going through it a sense of support. Hope that we will get through the fire and still be a functioning human being, because while I was going through this, I didn't think I would ever stop being sad. I hated every baby shower invite I got and cried with every pregnancy announcement I saw online, especially the ones that were due around what was suppose to be my due date.  

I'm not done grieving. I don't think I ever will be. That was a baby, for as short as its time here was, it was our baby, and we lost it. I will be that angel baby's mommy forever. 

1 comment:

  1. We need to get together!! Our angel baby would have been born April 11, 2014
    It would be so nice to talk with someone who understands