Thursday, October 9, 2014

I Lie To My Mom

I know, I know, you aren't supposed to lie. BUT there are certain situations and conditions I've learned to not be 100%  truthful about. I mean look at this poor, forgetful, aging woman........ she needs sheltered from the truth from time to time. And for the record, I got full permission to use a picture from her very own Facebook!

1. "Hey honey, what are you up to?"
She doesn't want me to tell her that we just got done trying to give her another grandchild or that I just got done donating toys to Goodwill, many of which she bought. Both responses would scar her for life. Instead I tell her, "Oh just watching TV."

2. "Do you like this new visor I just got?"
I'd like to say, no one fucking likes visors and I don't want to walk to next to you when you wear one for fear others might think we are related. I've just learned to tell her, "It's fine," it helps to avoid the awkwardness.

3. "What size do the kids wear?"
You are probably thinking, why lie about that? Well my mother, like all aging people, assume that I'm not telling the truth about the size of my very own children and instead the actual size is 2 sizes larger. So I backdate the size. My 2 year old JUST got into 3-6 month clothes and hey my mom got him 2T, worked out perfect!

4. "What size do you wear?"
Why my mother chooses to ask me this baffles me, because she buys whatever size she thinks "looks like it will fit." Now this could very well be a size XS shirt with 2XL pants, all depends if her glasses are on. So I just tell her whatever size I feel like being that day and hope that she gives me the receipt.

5. "What size do you think you will be after you lose the baby weight?"
Yes, my mother honestly has asked me this, actually on more than one occasion those words came out of her mouth. Any size I tell her at this point is a lie, because shit, I don't have the faintest idea.

6."Are you taking a nap?"
Easy enough question right? Wrong. Never fails, if I answer yes, I will receive at least 3 phone calls, 7 text messages and several FaceTime attempts during what was supposed to be my nap. So I lie and say, "No, just laying in bed watching TV while the kids nap," then apparently I'm not interesting and she doesn't contact me. 

7. "What time do I need to be there?"
I've never told my mom the truth on the time, because she's always late. It's like it is in her genetic code and she can't help it. So I always tell her a minimum of 30 minutes earlier than she actually needs to be there, and even then she is still sometimes late.

8. "What do you think of this outfit I picked out for your sister?"
Well........ really........ it's fucking ugly. But I guess it's a "trend".....that is still really fucking ugly. I go with a generic, "Umm yeah." I have an issue condoning people wearing really ugly clothes, so my response isn't a response, but gets them off my back. 

9. "Can you see my roots?"
Uhhh yes, yes you can. I'm pretty sure the satellites circling the earth can see the amount of outgrowth you have going on. But since I understand her struggle with keeping those roots covered, I don't tell her the absolute truth. I might say, "No, not really. They are JUST starting to show."

10. "How do I look?"
Why in the world would you ask me this!? You are wearing a cowhide vest with fringe hanging 10 inchces off of it, a hat with a bedazzled cross, blingy ass jeans and they are tucked into your boots. I would like to say that you look ridiculous, instead I'll just tell you, "Oh that's SO you!"

Now I love my mother and all of her craziness.....cause there is a lot of crazy, and if I didn't love her I wouldn't lie to her. Those of you with mothers like mine understand this logic! If I don't give you a picture of her where she doesn't look like a person just out of the psych ward, I will get an angry FaceTime later! So here is picture that I'm slightly partial too.....probably because of that gorgeous baby! (Please take note of her hat!)


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