Saturday, September 13, 2014

Stepford Mommies

Yesterday Jason and I took the youngest 2 boys to the Children's Museum, and holy shit was I in for a rude awakening! I was able to witness "my team," you know the stay-at-home moms that are taking their kids there on play dates with other stay-at-home moms, it was honestly like the mom version of fucking "The Stepford Wives." I wanted to scream at them, "EAT A CHEESEBURGER!" And of course they had on their leggings with their cute little sweaters and their hair and makeup perfectly done. Seriously?! Needless to say, I'm sure Jason was glad that he decided to go with us, because I think he enjoyed it as much as the kids.

Now let's be clear here, I'm not the size of a freight train, but there is definitely some cushin' for the pushin'. I'm a couple (give or take 5....or 10) pounds from my pre-baby weight, but that shit is hard work, and I like a brownie every once in awhile! I was happy that yesterday I put on clothes that weren't covered in snot, milk, or some sort of mystery substance AND I put makeup on (that later would be smeared by a child running their hand down my face...).

There was part of me though that wanted to go up to a random mom group and ask them how they manage to do it, but the realistic side of me kicked in. They probably would have said some cliché that would have made me want to punch them in the throat.

"I breastfed till they were 18 months and all the baby weight just fell off." Don't even get me started with this bullshit, that's a whole different post by itself!

"I get up before the kids and workout, shower, do my hair and makeup and service my husband all before daybreak." Ok I added the last part, but I like to sleep to the ripe ol' hour of 6:15am, so that's not happening!

"I'm naturally thin." And I've naturally despised your kind since I was 6 and was the fat kid at school.

For the sake of all things holy, can we come to an agreement that moms can just, oh I don't know, look like fucking moms! Why do all these women have to look like something out of a Maxim magazine!? I find myself constantly comparing myself to them and I think that the reason everyone is so dressed up for the fucking CHILDREN'S MUSEUM is because they are comparing themselves to every other mom there, sorry I missed the memo on the 5 inch heels! Is this all fueled out of a jealous rage I have? Am I envious of them? Damn straight! I wish I could be all cute with the flat stomach, toned legs, etc., but instead I love food, I love not stressing about gym time, and I love my DDs. So to those moms from yesterday, keep doing your thing, I'm going to play with my kids over here in the "moms who are just happy to be out of the house" corner.

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