Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Stay-At-Home Mom Justified Complaints

Oh, I've heard a lot in my short 3 months of being a stay-at-home mom about how "easy" it must be. Do I love that my work clothes went from skirts to yoga pants? Hell yes! Or that there is a designated nap time? Uh...duh! But there are a few complaints that I have, as well as just some real annoying shit. Some of these I voice and some of these are my internal dialog as I make unmentionable faces or gestures.
  1. "I just changed your diaper, for the love of all things holy, WHY did you just shit your pants AGAIN!?"
  2. "Oh you don't like what we are having for breakfast, lunch, snack OR dinner, go to bed hungry and I'm sure you will eat breakfast in the morning!"
  3. "Dear husband, if you leave one more fucking sock on the floor after I just got done picking up ALL of your children's clothing, I might just cut holes in every pair you own!"
  4. "All the laundry is washed, dried and put away except for what you are wearing. Was it REALLY necessary to spit your milk down your shirt and onto your pants? I'm only changing your clothes because I hate the smell of rotten milk more than dirty clothes."
  5. "You had a bath last night, it's only 7am, how do you already have lint in your neck rolls!?"
  6. "I tried to be the cool mom one day and let you build a fort with the couch cushions. No more fucking couch forts because you won't stop taking the damn cushions off!"
  7. "How are we out of groceries already!? I hate going to the store with all of you!"
  8. "Can I clock out like other people, please?"
  9. "No, I don't want to share everything I eat or drink with you. So you sit on that side of the baby gate crying and I'll be on this side enjoying my coffee."
  10. "Dinosaur train, dinosaur train! Once upon there was a mom her name was Mrs. Pteranodon............." Enough said.
  11. "I just want to use the bathroom for 2 minutes without you at my feet or on my lap. Thanks!"
  12. "I don't care that you know how to work the dvd player, stop getting the dvds down and trying to shove them in!"
  13. Lights on, lights off, lights on, lights off, "Thank you, I wasn't sure if the light switch was working or not."
  14. "You called on your way home from work to see what we are having for dinner and you don't like the idea that we are having grilled cheese. Fuck off."
  15. "Stop screaming at the wall.....there's nothing there and I just want to watch Kathie Lee and Hoda for the first time this week." 
  16. "Why in the hell do I clean the dining room floor? Someone is going to throw food, throw up or spill a drink on it in at least 3 hours again."
  17. "Take your goddamn shoes off when you walk in here. I already clean the floors twice a week at least. Oh you don't want to untie them, grab a mop then!"
  18. "No I don't want to have cute mommy conversations with you while I wait for coffee at Target. You have one child with you and are dressed super cute. I haven't even brushed my hair today and I have 3 with me. Just let me get my coffee, diapers and the fuck back in my car."
  19. "I have ONE phone call to make at 9am, please stop crying/screaming for 5 minutes so that they can hear me. Oh that's difficult, let me step out into the garage!"
  20. -Blank stare- someone just asked what I've been doing all day.......

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