Sunday, September 28, 2014

Dear Dr. Google

Dear Dr. Google,

I'm not quite sure when I ever considered you a qualified practitioner or why I ever turned to you to begin with, but I have a love/hate relationship with you.

I love that you are able to give me quick remedies for bug bites, stopping a cut from bleeding or what normal and abnormal poop looks like. You really saved me that day I ate 3 beets and then I thought I was suffering from internal bleeding. Thank you, I now know beets are used for colon health tests, and I'm happy to report I'm firing on all cylinders.

I also love that you provide how-to pictures. There was the RSV scare of January 2014 where I had to learn to do a rectal temperature read on a 9 week old at 2 am. Your pictures and step by step directions were just the reassurance I needed to know that I wasn't going to cause some sort of emotional damage to Layne.

Providing me with a milestones list is also extremely helpful when I think that my children aren't doing what they are supposed to at the time given. You save me a referral to the AEA for speech services and a trip to the specialists for OT and PT referrals as well.

There is the part of your practice I don't like too much though. Why do you feel like terminal cancer and/or immediate death need to be a possible diagnosis for EVERY ailment?

  • I have a slight headache behind my eye = brain tumor with 2 months to live 
  • I've had a persistent cough for 2 days = emphysema with a year MAYBE to live
  • Cramps and it's not that time of the month = stage 4 ovarian cancer and a miscarry all at the same time
  • Child has a swollen bug bite = anaphylactic shock is immediate, call ambulance to avoid death
  • Swollen, red, bruised knee = bone disease, amputate from the hip down
I also don't appreciate the unhelpful forums you tend to prescribe for me to read. They are usually 10 years old and there is no one in there with any answers. It is just 100 people all with the same issue. Not very helpful Doctor!

My doctor and pediatrician also don't like you very much. When I visit them, they always tell me not to consult you. Well then I HAVE to visit you, since they told me not to. It's like they think you are going to tell me something that they don't have the guts to tell me. Probably that death is always an option....again.

As difficult as this is to do, I'm going to have to have my files transferred to my other doctor. Your assistance has done nothing but cause worry since we first started our relationship. I wish you all the best of luck, but maybe you should just consider changing professions. I feel like you would be more effective as a "Random Fact Generator," "Weather Forecast Generator," or if you are feeling ambitious, "History Expert."

                                                                            Sincerely,
                                                                            Chronic Googler

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