Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Embracing the Mess

As a mom who is home all day with my kids I feel like I should have a cleaner than clean home, there should be a regular bathroom cleaning schedule, and there should never be laundry in the laundry basket.......... Well that just doesn't happen, and recently I heard a perspective on this that I really enjoy.


Ok, this doesn't mean that you live in a pig sty and you never clean or do anything like that. I would personally have an anxiety attack if I tried that. Instead love the Legos all over the place, the puzzles that kids never seem to put away, the fact that your living room looks like they took a piece of clothing off with every step.  Don't stress about it, because a time will come when that mess isn't there, because they've grown up and left home and you might miss the smelly socks.

I already get all emotional like, because I can tell our 2 year old to pick his toys up and HE DOES! Our kids grow up before our eyes and it seems like it happens overnight. I understand that I still just have little ones, but even when the kids are away for the weekend with grandma and the house stays clean....I miss the mess.

There are so many people that wish they had that mess, but don't for whatever reason. The time when our kids actually want to be with is limited, and I'm going to soak up as much of them as I can. I'm sure that my "cool" card is closer to being revoked than I would like.

At times I think moms get too caught up in trying to be the perfect wife and mother, and granted I am guilty of this, but I think everyone needs to step back and relax. So here is to letting the clean laundry wait till kids are in bed to be folded, more chases around the house for no reason and reading "Brown Bear, Brown Bear" for the millionth time in a row!

Sunday, September 28, 2014

LOVE my Tula!

Ok so prior to becoming a mom I thought, "Geez, why do you need to wear your kid? Just carry them or put them in a stroller!" Now that I am a mom, I completely understand it. When I'm trying to do dishes, clean the house, go to the store AND keep my sanity; I babywear!

In the beginning I wasn't familiar with carriers. I didn't know the difference between a sling, soft structure carrier or wrap. Now I feel like a professional.....ok well kinda. Alright not really, when I look at everything everyone posts on the Tula Love page. I feel like that awkward person in the corner that never speaks up, because I don't want to sound like a rambling idiot.

When I first ventured into looking at Tulas, I thought, "Oh man, that's kinda expensive! $150 for a carrier!" I then made the mistake of looking on Etsy for accessories! Talk about a crazy addiction! I'm trying to justify decking out my carrier. Maybe it could be for Layne's 1st birthday present? After all, I do carry HIM in it!

This was today!

But today when we took all three of our boys to an auction, (we live in small town Iowa, so this is normal), I realized how much I love my Tula! I could put the baby in it and still have my hands free to push the stroller and wrangle up the 4 year old. Now I've tried the other brands, and I'm just not as impressed by them, and no I'm not a paid spokesperson! I don't know what it is about the Tula. It could be the comfy shoulder straps, the supportive lower back strap, how easy it is to use or the way that Layne fits in it SO nicely. I feel like I'm doing my civic duty by spreading the word about these to people who don't know anything about them!

But to anyone out there, throw the Ergo, the Lillebaby, the Boba and whatever brands I can't think of right now out the window. I'm convinced that everyone I know should go Tula! LOVE IT!

Dear Dr. Google

Dear Dr. Google,

I'm not quite sure when I ever considered you a qualified practitioner or why I ever turned to you to begin with, but I have a love/hate relationship with you.

I love that you are able to give me quick remedies for bug bites, stopping a cut from bleeding or what normal and abnormal poop looks like. You really saved me that day I ate 3 beets and then I thought I was suffering from internal bleeding. Thank you, I now know beets are used for colon health tests, and I'm happy to report I'm firing on all cylinders.

I also love that you provide how-to pictures. There was the RSV scare of January 2014 where I had to learn to do a rectal temperature read on a 9 week old at 2 am. Your pictures and step by step directions were just the reassurance I needed to know that I wasn't going to cause some sort of emotional damage to Layne.

Providing me with a milestones list is also extremely helpful when I think that my children aren't doing what they are supposed to at the time given. You save me a referral to the AEA for speech services and a trip to the specialists for OT and PT referrals as well.

There is the part of your practice I don't like too much though. Why do you feel like terminal cancer and/or immediate death need to be a possible diagnosis for EVERY ailment?

  • I have a slight headache behind my eye = brain tumor with 2 months to live 
  • I've had a persistent cough for 2 days = emphysema with a year MAYBE to live
  • Cramps and it's not that time of the month = stage 4 ovarian cancer and a miscarry all at the same time
  • Child has a swollen bug bite = anaphylactic shock is immediate, call ambulance to avoid death
  • Swollen, red, bruised knee = bone disease, amputate from the hip down
I also don't appreciate the unhelpful forums you tend to prescribe for me to read. They are usually 10 years old and there is no one in there with any answers. It is just 100 people all with the same issue. Not very helpful Doctor!

My doctor and pediatrician also don't like you very much. When I visit them, they always tell me not to consult you. Well then I HAVE to visit you, since they told me not to. It's like they think you are going to tell me something that they don't have the guts to tell me. Probably that death is always an option....again.

As difficult as this is to do, I'm going to have to have my files transferred to my other doctor. Your assistance has done nothing but cause worry since we first started our relationship. I wish you all the best of luck, but maybe you should just consider changing professions. I feel like you would be more effective as a "Random Fact Generator," "Weather Forecast Generator," or if you are feeling ambitious, "History Expert."

                                                                            Chronic Googler

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Adoption Approaching

We have had our 2 older boys about a year and a half, and getting to adoption has been the most frustrating part of this entire experience. Parental rights have been terminated for what seems like forever. Nobody, except us, seems to be in that much of a hurry!

BUT yesterday we FINALLY got to go meet with our attorney to sign the petition! It was such a surreal experience seeing their new full names written out. Their name that had our last name on it. I mean we've always considered them "ours," but to see it written on official documents is like a butterflies in your stomach type of moment.

Our attorney said something to me that I never really thought of. He said, "It makes me happy to do adoptions, because it is hope for our future." Now I don't have the stats right off hand, but I do know that kids that are never are given a stable home environment (biological, foster or adoptive), are more likely to commit criminal acts. Looking at our little boys, this isn't something I ever considered. I then thought about if the cards hadn't fallen just the way they did, and they were still in their unstable home, they would be growing up knowing terrible things kids should never know about. And, as sad as it is, probably would be involved in things down the road that could get them in a lot of trouble. I'm thankful every day that they were placed with us, and given a chance at a better life!

Now to be completely honest, I know our 2 year old will most likely give us some headaches as a teenager. I already have visions of a father knocking at our door looking for our son and his daughter, and the thought makes me cringe. But then again, if that's all that we will have to worry about, I'd say we are pretty lucky!

In no more than 30 days, BUT possibly less than 20, we will officially have our 2 boys forever! The anticipation is killing me!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

I Run a Zoo NOT a House!

I tend to make zoo references when referring to my children, or husband, or house in general. Doing so has at times resulted in appalled looks. Oh please people, get over it! Here are some comparisons of my house to a zoo!

1. Species look at each other in shock over their morning wake up calls.

  • Similar to roosters cock-a-doodle-dooing in the morning, our oldest gorilla screams the ENTIRE time he eats breakfast, and our baby goat stares in disbelief.

2. Only zookeepers are allowed to feed the animals. 

  • If you didn't breed it, please don't feed it. Our beasts eat certain things and aren't allowed some types of food. Don't try sneaking it through either, the animal will rat you out. 
3. Beware of the monkey, he is tricky!
  • In the picture below, the 2 year old monkey, during nap time, created steps to get to the drawer of his bookshelf. The crayons were put up high on a shelf so that the said monkey wouldn't color his furniture when left alone. While standing IN the drawer and getting the crayons the drawer broke, sending him through the bottom and onto the floor. Needless to say, his enclosure has some broken furniture now. 
        *Please note that the Grandma the Silver Back was in charge of the monkey at the              time of this occurrence. 

4. Anger the gorilla and he'll spread his shit everywhere!
  • Yep! Every. Fucking. Day.
5. The animals are stuck in a routine with their feeding schedules. 
  • The zookeeper will be feeding this exhibit at 7am, 9:30am, 12pm, 3pm and 5:30pm. Feel free to stop by for the show!
6. Similar to the Butterfly House, please make sure that you have no creatures attached to you when departing.
  • They like to sneak out the door, so beware!
7. When visiting the "petting zoo" please be sure to wash your hands or sanitize when you leave. 
  • We aren't concerned with you bringing germs to us as much as our germs leaving with you!
8. The wild creatures usually have no clothes on. 
  • We try to let them stay in their natural "coverings" or lack there of as much as possible.

Oh how I love our zoo, even on the days when I feel like they are going to take it over!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Creative Ways to Measure Post-Baby Body

Layne just turned 10 months old, so at this point I'm obviously a back to my pre-baby weight......or not! I've been working at getting back to it and I've realized there are a few different ways to measure how close I am to it without actually getting on a scale.
  1. "Hey babe, I think I've lost some weight. I can see more of my c-section scar!"
  2. "Boom, no back fat hangover with a bra on!"
  3. "Hey Layne let's take a selfie, I don't seem to have a double chin today!"
  4. "Wedding ring fits!" .....unfortunately this still hasn't happened, I've come to the conclusion my knuckle widened when my hips did!
  5. "I've been maternity clothes sober for 6 months!"
  6. "When I lay on my back I have a flat stomach..... I just won't roll to my side yet!"
  7. "What the what! No Spanx on AND my pants zipped!"
  8. "My mom jeans look a little less mom like because my stomach doesn't look like a piece of dough with a waistband pinching it off." ......only people that have had babies can understand this realization. 
  9. "Sure I'll swing next to you, my ass now fits on it now!"
  10. "Sex with the lights on please!"
But because I'm psycho about control and keeping myself accountable, I do still weigh myself every morning whether I like the number or not!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Stay-At-Home Mom Justified Complaints

Oh, I've heard a lot in my short 3 months of being a stay-at-home mom about how "easy" it must be. Do I love that my work clothes went from skirts to yoga pants? Hell yes! Or that there is a designated nap time? Uh...duh! But there are a few complaints that I have, as well as just some real annoying shit. Some of these I voice and some of these are my internal dialog as I make unmentionable faces or gestures.
  1. "I just changed your diaper, for the love of all things holy, WHY did you just shit your pants AGAIN!?"
  2. "Oh you don't like what we are having for breakfast, lunch, snack OR dinner, go to bed hungry and I'm sure you will eat breakfast in the morning!"
  3. "Dear husband, if you leave one more fucking sock on the floor after I just got done picking up ALL of your children's clothing, I might just cut holes in every pair you own!"
  4. "All the laundry is washed, dried and put away except for what you are wearing. Was it REALLY necessary to spit your milk down your shirt and onto your pants? I'm only changing your clothes because I hate the smell of rotten milk more than dirty clothes."
  5. "You had a bath last night, it's only 7am, how do you already have lint in your neck rolls!?"
  6. "I tried to be the cool mom one day and let you build a fort with the couch cushions. No more fucking couch forts because you won't stop taking the damn cushions off!"
  7. "How are we out of groceries already!? I hate going to the store with all of you!"
  8. "Can I clock out like other people, please?"
  9. "No, I don't want to share everything I eat or drink with you. So you sit on that side of the baby gate crying and I'll be on this side enjoying my coffee."
  10. "Dinosaur train, dinosaur train! Once upon there was a mom her name was Mrs. Pteranodon............." Enough said.
  11. "I just want to use the bathroom for 2 minutes without you at my feet or on my lap. Thanks!"
  12. "I don't care that you know how to work the dvd player, stop getting the dvds down and trying to shove them in!"
  13. Lights on, lights off, lights on, lights off, "Thank you, I wasn't sure if the light switch was working or not."
  14. "You called on your way home from work to see what we are having for dinner and you don't like the idea that we are having grilled cheese. Fuck off."
  15. "Stop screaming at the wall.....there's nothing there and I just want to watch Kathie Lee and Hoda for the first time this week." 
  16. "Why in the hell do I clean the dining room floor? Someone is going to throw food, throw up or spill a drink on it in at least 3 hours again."
  17. "Take your goddamn shoes off when you walk in here. I already clean the floors twice a week at least. Oh you don't want to untie them, grab a mop then!"
  18. "No I don't want to have cute mommy conversations with you while I wait for coffee at Target. You have one child with you and are dressed super cute. I haven't even brushed my hair today and I have 3 with me. Just let me get my coffee, diapers and the fuck back in my car."
  19. "I have ONE phone call to make at 9am, please stop crying/screaming for 5 minutes so that they can hear me. Oh that's difficult, let me step out into the garage!"
  20. -Blank stare- someone just asked what I've been doing all day.......

Monday, September 22, 2014

Testosterone vs. Estrogen

This isn't the first time I've realized that boys are COMPLETELY different than girls, but this weekend I became more aware of it. Here are some real world boy vs. girl situations that I'm sure many of you can relate to.

1. Baby Gates
  • Girl- Leaves gate alone and just accepts that she can't go to the forbidden area.
  • Boy- Karate kick it until it caves in and then scale over it as fast as possible before mom catches him.
2. Potty Training
  • Girl- Hates being wet, potty trained no later than 2 1/2 years old.
  • Boy- Pees in his big boy underwear 5 times in an hour because he thinks it is funny. Will be in diapers till he is in high school I'm sure! FML!
3. Coloring
  • Girl- Draws pretty pictures, keeps the coloring to the paper or given materials
  • Boy- Fuck the papers, let's color on anything possible; wall, table, my brother, myself, the high chair. 
4. Time-Outs
  • Girl- Understands why she is in time-out and doesn't repeat her naughty actions
  • Boy- Time-outs mean nothing, except the fact that it is delaying the time until the next stupid-ass stunt is pulled. 
5. Clothing
  • Girl- Wears a cute little dress with an adorable matching headband and some great shoes!
  • Boy- Clothes? Only if someone is coming over to the house or we have to go somewhere will clothes be put on, and then it will be a rare occasion if there isn't a stain, food or snot on it somewhere. 
6. Toys
  • Girl- Toys are usually in a neat area and everything has its place.
  • Boy- Looks like a tornado has ran through the house since the moment they woke up.
7. Meal Times
  • Girl- Eats her food at a relatively slow place, taking time to chat as she does it.
  • Boy- Complete silence as he shoves as much as possible into his mouth at once. He'll probably gag himself, but once it clears, the shoving continues.
8. Sibling Fighting
  • Girl- Yelling and screaming at each other, playing the "she touched me game," and it could last for hours.
  • Boy- No talking, lay on the other one until either they stop breathing or the screaming catches mom's attention, done in 3 minutes.
9. Babies
  • Girl- Thinks the baby, even if it isn't their relation, is their's and they will be all sweet and cute to it.
  • Boy- Sometimes sweet to the baby, and if they aren't ignoring it all together, they usually see it as an opportunity to wrestle with someone they might win over

Why do I prefer boys over girls then?! After reading this I would definitely say girls are easier, but after our one set of foster girls, nah leave me with the boys! I think it's the attitude that girls develop, granted boys get it too, but it is totally different! 

To those of you with little girls, the only way that I can assume you survive the "end of the world" melt down has to be a lot of wine! You might want to stock up for when they are in high school!

Shit Happens.....Literally

What goes in must come out, right? Well I feel like my house has taken that to an extreme case in the last couple weeks. Here are a couple recent shit-tastic stories. Again, if we don't laugh, we might cry!

My mother knows that I like to have my kids eat a healthy diet, which includes vegetables that aren't fried. So when she had them the other weekend, my 2 year old ate an entire bag of carrots at dinner. THE ENTIRE BAG! The next afternoon we were at lunch for my sister's birthday when Jason informs me that our 2 year old needs changed, and of course he can't do it because the restaurant doesn't have a changing area in the men's room. Ok, fine, I'll do it. I pull him out of his high chair (now picture this), I watch shit spray out the back of his pants (no seriously, like a freaking hose was attached), onto my pants, onto the floor, and down the highchair. He literally was covered from mid-back to his shoes. At this point I didn't know where to go, the bathroom, the car,the car wash, or just sit right there and cry. I opted for the back of my mom's truck. On our quick walk there, our little guy is FREAKING OUT, flaring his legs and I'm sure flinging shit into people's food as we passed by. I changed his butt and his clothes while Jason mopped up the restaurant with their cloth napkins. I never asked what he ended up doing with those....

Yesterday was a day of shit also. The boys had our 2 sitters in the afternoon for a couple hours. As we are on our way back I get a text that informed me that our oldest had done some "artwork" during nap. We will call it "Window Sill Painting" and "My Face and Body is My Canvas." Needless to say, we took the long way home to ensure it was cleaned up before our return. 

.........30 minutes after the sitters left.............

"Mama, YUCKY!"--- 2 year old handing my a piece of his big brother's shit that his brother so lovingly pulled out for him....fml

I long for the days when my kids no longer shit their pants and are completely potty trained. Until then, I'll continue to look the crazy lady that is buying diapers in size 4, 5 and 6!

***Feel free to comment any of your wonderful shit-tastic stories below, I love knowing I'm not the only crazy woman out there!***

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Foster Mom Guilt

I get the call at least once a week, "Hey Nicole, it's Samantha, wondering if you want to hear about a possible placement for today?" I've never met Samantha, couldn't even tell you what part of the state she is in, but I know the number she calls from. That phone number haunts me. I wish I could take every child that comes across my caller id, but I can't. This week was tougher than most.

I got a call for a brand new baby, and I would have to pick it (I say "it" for privacy reasons) up from the hospital. How could I say no, right? The baby in question tested positive for drugs after birth, and that means that baby would be going through withdrawals. I wasn't Samantha's first call, she knows that I have little ones, but she thought she would give it a shot. I said no, and I've been sick to my stomach ever since.

There is a part of me that wishes I would have taken that baby, brought it into our loving home and given it the best possible start considering the circumstances. Then there is a part of me that thinks of my boys, how could I bring a baby who will be extremely needy into our house knowing that I will not be able to give as much attention to them anymore. I had to do what was right for my family.

I try to make myself feel better by saying that there are other foster families out there that will jump at that opportunity, but I know how short the state is. Foster families are far and few anymore. Most good homes are at capacity or over and then there are families like mine, just not willing to take a placement right now. Shelter is always full. Every time I've picked kids up from there, there are always at least 20 kids that haven't gotten placed in a home. And yes, they have cribs. Breaks my heart every single time.

So I sit here, with this foster mom guilt. Hoping and praying that the brand new baby found a good, safe place to call home for now, but knowing I'll never know.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Autism Realities

As I sit here and write this, I have this endless calendar of events going off in my head, none of which are for me. All these dates are for our 4 almost 5 year old who has Autism. He is on the lower functioning side of the spectrum, which causes our life to be constantly busy. We love him and have for the last year and a half, but boy it's been tough. I've compiled a list of our realities. If we don't laugh about these things, we would go crazy!

  • Diapers, and lots of them! Shit in a 4 year old's diaper is COMPLETELY different then in a baby or toddler. Can't even explain it.
  • Finger painting usually includes poop as the medium and windows/walls/books/sheets as the canvas. Disgusting, yes!
  • Having conversations with a child who, as of right now, doesn't talk back. Sometimes I like to have fun with it. 
    • Me- "Do you think mommy should go shopping today?"
    • Him- "Hmmm hmmm nom hmmm (typical vocalization)"
    • Me- "You are right, I do need some new clothes!
  • I know more occupational and speech therapy terms then someone who isn't in the medical field should know, as well as all the abbreviations and what they mean. 
  • Our life revolves around schedules and routines, it's a pain at times, but convenient when we want to get out of something. "Nope, can't make it, bedtime is 7:10pm, can't be late!"
  • Feeding him sucks. Picky is an understatement, but in this house you eat what we have or you are going to be hungry till the next meal.
  • Appointments are terrible. We have therapy every week, and thanks to a sweet organization that referred me, they come to our house for it! But doctor appointments or evaluation appointments I think we both need to be given a Xanax for. The screaming, crying and throwing himself on the floor, yep those are nights I break out a bottle of wine!
  • He wears a leash when out in public. You can judge me all day long, but he wouldn't think twice about running out into the middle of the interstate or scaling the cookie shelves at the store. So yep, I'm that mom that use to look at other moms that had kids on a leash and think, "Oh my goodness, just parent your child. They shouldn't be treated like a dog." Now we don't leave home without it! 
These are just a few highlights of our life. I think I will write again sometime, "Things He Licks." That's a whole post in its own!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

I Hate "All Natural" Parenting

I'm very vocal about my opinions with everything. I know you are thinking, "No, not Nicole. She's so quiet and timid." So here it is, I hate "all natural" parents/parenting. I've been asked multiple time before why I do, and then again today. So here is my reasoning.

1. Breastfeeding
Breast is best, blah, blah, blah, blah! I tried and failed miserably at breastfeeding. My little fat guy needed more then my ladies were willing to produce. It was so stressful and then to have people say to me, "If you tried harder you could succeed at it," or "You won't be able to bond with your baby." Are you fucking kidding me?! I tried, it was terrible. I hated feeding my baby, because I would cry the entire time only to have to supplement with a bottle after 40 excruciating minutes. The "all natural" crew, who will have their kid on their tit till they are like 12 years old, are the ones that make shitty statements like that to those of us that would have loved to have been successful at it but weren't. 

2. Home Remedies
An pinch of this herb, and dollop of this all-natural organic salve and wear this necklace made of god only knows what and your baby will be cured of every ailment. Give me a fucking break. I'm all about trying different things to make kids feel better, because sick kids are the worse, but if I want to give my teething child some ibuprofen and Benadryl, I will. Please for the love of all things holy don't look at me like I'm putting poison into my kid's body. You stick to your hippy-dippy shit and I'll stick to my western medicine, and the stuff my licensed pediatrician recommends.

3. Sleeping
 Co-sleeping with your baby I think is insane. The worrier in me thinks of SIDs, the other part of me thinks, "How the hell are you supposed to have any good sex?!" Whatever though, sleep with your kids if that's what you are into, but don't judge me that my baby is crying it out in his crib.

4. All-Natural Organic EVERYTHING
How is there organic clothing? I don't even get it. There honestly is all-natural organic everything! I get it that you are trying to put less "harmful" items in your body and you child's body, BUT I've witnessed people go into debt at the grocery store so everything is organic. That shit is expensive! I'll feed my kids healthy food that isn't organic, and feel free to give me lots of stares when I let them eat real animal crackers. 

5. Babywearing
Yes, I babywear. It is SO much easier to have a baby and a toddler when you have 2 free hands and can save your toddler from trying to kill himself by some Houdini act. NO I will not wear my child till they are 5 so that we can bond more. Who really wants a 5 year old on their back when they are perfectly capable of walking on their own AND following directions?

I guess this all just boils down to the fact that I have had some shitty experiences with other moms/dads/strangers that fall into this "all-natural" category. I hate when others make me feel like my choices for my child are wrong.  So now I'm just jaded towards the whole group. I do have friends that fall into the "all-natural" category and I know I give them more shit then I probably should. I do love them and I'm sure their children will grow up to be smarter, healthier, wealthier, and better bonded than mine!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Kids are No. 2

Our crew spent the weekend at the grandparents' house, and it was AMAZING.......for us! As much as I love spending time with my kids, I love time with my husband more. I'm a firm believer that kids should be the second priority in a marriage, and your spouse should be number one.

I'm a product of divorced parents. I think that is why I have such strong viewpoints on what helps and harms a marriage. We've only been married 4 years, but shoot that's longer then some people can make it. My parents loved and adored my sisters and I, but we were their world. I don't remember them ever going out without one of us along side.

I think that parents that solely focus on their children forget about the person that they created those children with. Kids are going to grow up and leave home, then you are going to look at the other warm body in bed and say, "Who the hell are you?" THAT is the cause of a so life mid-life crisis....in my opinion.

To the people with children, or ones that plan on having some at some point in their life, take some advice:

- Get a sitter.
- Go out on a date 1, 2, or dare I say, 3 times a month (and taking the baby with you does not count.)
 - Pop Elmo in the DVD player for the kids and hide in the pantry for some mid-day sex. (Did she just say sex?!) Sex, let's be honest, is the cornerstone of a marriage, so don't be stingy! Unless you just had a baby, get your groove on AT LEAST three times a week. And if your significant other  is using the excuse of, "I have a headache," "I'm tired," or "I'm not in the mood," you need to do something to "help" the headache, wake them up or assist in the mood change. After all, women are more like stove then a microwave, they take a bit of time to heat up before they get to temperature. And men, well, that usually doesn't take much coaxing.
- Tell your spouse every day that you love them and you are attracted to them, followed by a hug and kiss. It's the "normal" things that seem to go by the wayside so often, but mean the most.

Marriage and children are amazing gifts in life. People rarely ignore their children on a daily basis, why ignore your marriage? Remember, the person that you created those little monsters with will also be the person that you can complain to when those little monsters grow up and don't call you as often as you would like.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Stepford Mommies

Yesterday Jason and I took the youngest 2 boys to the Children's Museum, and holy shit was I in for a rude awakening! I was able to witness "my team," you know the stay-at-home moms that are taking their kids there on play dates with other stay-at-home moms, it was honestly like the mom version of fucking "The Stepford Wives." I wanted to scream at them, "EAT A CHEESEBURGER!" And of course they had on their leggings with their cute little sweaters and their hair and makeup perfectly done. Seriously?! Needless to say, I'm sure Jason was glad that he decided to go with us, because I think he enjoyed it as much as the kids.

Now let's be clear here, I'm not the size of a freight train, but there is definitely some cushin' for the pushin'. I'm a couple (give or take 5....or 10) pounds from my pre-baby weight, but that shit is hard work, and I like a brownie every once in awhile! I was happy that yesterday I put on clothes that weren't covered in snot, milk, or some sort of mystery substance AND I put makeup on (that later would be smeared by a child running their hand down my face...).

There was part of me though that wanted to go up to a random mom group and ask them how they manage to do it, but the realistic side of me kicked in. They probably would have said some cliché that would have made me want to punch them in the throat.

"I breastfed till they were 18 months and all the baby weight just fell off." Don't even get me started with this bullshit, that's a whole different post by itself!

"I get up before the kids and workout, shower, do my hair and makeup and service my husband all before daybreak." Ok I added the last part, but I like to sleep to the ripe ol' hour of 6:15am, so that's not happening!

"I'm naturally thin." And I've naturally despised your kind since I was 6 and was the fat kid at school.

For the sake of all things holy, can we come to an agreement that moms can just, oh I don't know, look like fucking moms! Why do all these women have to look like something out of a Maxim magazine!? I find myself constantly comparing myself to them and I think that the reason everyone is so dressed up for the fucking CHILDREN'S MUSEUM is because they are comparing themselves to every other mom there, sorry I missed the memo on the 5 inch heels! Is this all fueled out of a jealous rage I have? Am I envious of them? Damn straight! I wish I could be all cute with the flat stomach, toned legs, etc., but instead I love food, I love not stressing about gym time, and I love my DDs. So to those moms from yesterday, keep doing your thing, I'm going to play with my kids over here in the "moms who are just happy to be out of the house" corner.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

9/11- Where were you?

Every year when this day comes around all I can think about is where I was when we heard the tragic news. I was sitting in 7th grade English block, the TV on, and we watched the second plane hit the building. An 8th grader was sitting in the teacher's chair in the front of the room spinning around singing, "It's the end of the world as we know it..." And how true that was! God bless all of the troops that have fought since that day and their families!

Why a blog?

Several of my friends and family have asked me why I want to blog, because apparently the answer wasn't obvious. I'm hilarious, okay by hilarious do I mean slightly insane, yes. No seriously though, I'm doing this because I feel the urge to share our story. I'm living the life I NEVER would have thought to be living. If you would have asked me fall of my junior year of high school what I was going to do with the rest of my life my answer would have been, "Well, I'm going to college to study International Business Management, I'm going to travel the world, and NEVER have kids!" Then Jason rolled around the following spring and suddenly I want to be a teacher and have a whole house full of children. This is the new me I guess!

Honestly, the life I live every single day is crazy! I can't tell you how many times a day I tell a child to stop doing something or to not touch something. Usually though since I'm in a testosterone filled house it either has to do with their penis, butt, or one trying to kill the other..... oh the joys!

Blogging for me is a way to tell friends and family what is going on daily in our life. I know that when I call/text them during the day and I expect them to actually converse with me they are thinking to themselves, "Bitch I work all day, I don't want to hear about how one kid put boogers on another kid or how you just made the coolest thing from Pinterest." The only exception to this is my mother. My mother, who honestly would rather FaceTime then call or text, would listen to me about EVERYTHING and will just sit and watch the kids play. It's to the point that she has a schedule with it; 7:30am, 11:30am and 4:30pm. If I don't hear from her in the afternoon I have to call to make sure she didn't get trampled by a cow or something out on the ranch.

My mother is going to read this and say, "Oh my goodness Nikki, why do you need to put everything out there?"--Her eyes rolling and finger twitching about. My response would be, "Mother you already post your life and mine on Facebook, I'm just posting accurate information." Don't get me wrong, I love my mother 97% of the time, but there is that 3% that drives me absolutely insane, her Facebook being part of that.

So that's that, my string of consciousness.